Shannon's Musical Musings

Music is a constant background in my mind. All the other thoughts that go on are always ontop of some sort of music, either something my band is working on, something I heard on the radio, or something that has just popped in there... Above this music you find all the other noise of the day... lately the biggest question is "Who am I" and "What is my real purpose". Here is my journey into finding myself....

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Patience is a virtue....

I know patience is a virtue, and I have faith God is going to put me in another place next year... with that being said...
Patience is a difficult thing, isn't it. I'm getting antsy about (hopefully) upcoming interviews. I have my hopes set on my hometown, of course, but I've applied to one other town. I'm starting to wonder if I should send out other resumes. There is a small town in eastern AR that is opened that I'm tempted... but it would put us no closer to my parents, just get me out of here. It's an assistant position. Maybe I'm overthinking things. I really do have faith that God is going to put me somewhere other than here next year. Now, whether it will involve moving I don't know... but I just have this feeling that whatever I was sent to do here is done. *Sigh* I really hope we get to move away from here, my allergies are sooo rough in the spring... Now I've stayed on enough meds this year that I've avoided being sick this far... but I hate staying doped up for two to three months out of the year!!!
On a wierd note, I woke up late and forgot to do my reading. Now I just started yesterday, but I still feel like I really missed something this morning :(

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Here comes Peter Cotton Tail...

Hoppin' down the bunny trail... Hippity Hoppity Easter's on it's way....

last night we colored Easter eggs, which brought me to the same question that I asked DH a couple days ago...

What kind of freaky scary bunny are we encouraging kids to believe in anyhow?
I mean come on, I can get Santa to a degree, he's nice, he brings you things, etc. (there's still the whole issue of breaking and entering but ok whatever)
but the Easter Bunny COME ON! First off it's a BUNNY! Second off... ok I don't even like to think about this... what do you think this bunny really looks like? I mean sure, we all have the images in our heads of the nice fluffy bunny... but think about it...
You do all the work, then this bunny comes (breaks) into your house, steals the eggs you worked so hard on and hides them! Sure, if you're lucky that bunny will leave you some things, but still we're talking about a bunny with the ability to break into your house, steal the eggs, and hide them...
So I'm thinking a good 6 foot (or taller!) bunny with huge fangs that maybe even foams at the mouth.
What kind of scary bunny is that!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The joys of dating...

Thursday night I took my son to La Huerta and then we chased that with Doogle.....
Now when I say joys, I mean pain.
He presented me with a flower picked from our yard, all dressed up in his suit... and I like any over emotional mommy, cried. Explain to the five year old this is NOT a bad thing.
We went to La Huerta... and ate.. and boy did he eat!
then we went to Doogle, and this is where it takes a turn to pain. It was ok... if you like your children being exposed to mind numbing "fun" ... It was like Chronicles meets matrix, meets aladdin, meets Lord of the Rings, meets Indiana Jones and the temple of doom, OH and let's not forget the things from Mortal Kombat that I spied.

Friday night DH and I went out and ate at Ruby Tuesday, then killed time at WalMart, and then went home. We had a good time just hanging out together.

Saturday and Sunday were typical weekend days... No wait no they weren't! I was definately livin' for this weekend....
Saturday I acutally got time to spend time with my FAMILY! We took the kids to the park to ride their bikes, and Sunday of course was church, rest, and church. I'm beginning to enjoy falling asleep on Sunday afternoons :D

Last night all of us went and saw The Shaggy Dog. It was pretty good, but I think over the kids heads (some of it thankfully)

Tonight I'm taking baby girl out to eat and to a movie. My money is on McDonald's... even though she told me last night (again) when I asked where she wanted to eat "I'll have to think about that" Then I'm taking her to see Curious George. Nixon and Wife said it's a cute one, so I'm looking forward to it, most definately!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I'm so excited (and I just can't hide it!)

Tomorrow night I have a date. I have a date with a wonderful, handsome, other "man". He's blonde, has hazel eyes, and a smile that will brighten even the darkest day. Now before you get too terribly upset at this thought... he hovers somewhere around the 4ft mark, and I tuck him in every night with a song, a hug, and a kiss.
I'm taking my son out for our second date ever. We had a lunch date once, about three years ago, but he doesn't remember it (I always will because sitting there at McDonald's with him was too much fun!!!) This time? I really realize how much he's grown up! He asked to go for chile relleno's and ice cream. So we'll go to La Huerta and have chile relleno's and fried ice cream. We'll also be going to a movie. Doogle more than likely, because in the next week my schedule is just full of dates :D Friday night DH and I are planning on going out, what are we going to do? Dunno exaclty, don't really care. Figure we'll go grab something to eat and probably end up at a movie, but I'd be more than content to find a table somwhere in a corner and stay there for the entire evening and actually visit. (too bad I don't drink coffeee, huh) Monday night the entire family is going to go see Curious George. Tuesday night I'm taking my dear daughter on our first date ever. Last night I started trying to get her to help me figure out where we should go. So I asked her, where do you want to go to eat... she said I don't know. Then I asked "what do you want to eat on our date" and she said "I'll have to think about that" OK she's three, she loves chicken nuggets, my money is on us ending up at McDonalds or Wendy's... but I don't really care, I'm looking forward spending time with just her. I dont' know what else we'll do, but I'll put the ideas out there and see if I can get an answer other than I don't know , or I'll have to think about that!!! I swear she's a 16 year old trapped in a 3 year old body!!!

When you walk through a storm....

Our latest storm?
Last night we got a phone call that DH's aunt who has cancer has been sent home, and there is nothing more they can do for her...
I'm worried about his coming loss. He lost his mother in 94, his father in '02, a dear aunt a year later (her husband before his father), another Aunt earlier this year, and now this. When his father passed in 02 (just a few months before our DearDaughter was born) things changed between us, and we're just starting to get back. We've been through the wringer...
Last night I asked him to let me be his strength. I want him to lean on me this time...
and this song came to mind:
When you walk through a storm
Hold your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet, silver song of a lark.
Walk on, through the wind,
Walk on, through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Just another Manic Monday....

Ah... what a glorious, horrible day.
It started out well enough AHEM but.. I've just felt lousy today!
I go to the doctor for allergy problems today, hopefully THIS doctor will get me straightened out! I'm to the point I want testing, i'm tired of being so doped up I can't think straight.
and then there's the thing that's been on my mind...
I think I'm coming to acceptance with what I did last week. What are the stages of loss anyhow?
I spent Thursday in tears, spent Friday wondering if I did the right thing... I still wonder that.
I talked to two people in the last 24 hours who have let me realize that it basically needed to be done... why did their opinions mean so much... one was a long time friend of mine, one a long time friend of that dear friends. Both people that if we were to draw lines... direct connections should be the other guy and me... to have both of them say it was probably for the best somehow eased my mind. More so coming from his friend, than mine. She's always stood by "I want you to be happy." and still does.... Even as she goes through a very difficult time herself, all she wants for me is happiness... funny that's all I've really ever wanted for her!

Friends are funny things aren't they? We know when we tell them these things they will have opinions... yet when you hear opinions of some it hurts... I heard the opinion of two "mutual friends" of my DH and I this weekend, which greatly offended me, basically because they've only heard his side of the story... I got over it too. They just want to see him happy, and I shouldn't have a problem with this. But, somehow what they said cut deep for me. Again, I'm over it really, but I still don't understand if they view me as a friend why they haven't contacted me, but then for that matter, I haven't contacted them... so I suppose I can't say too much :( I've learned which friends are "safe" to talk to when I'm going through a tough time. Which ones will see things my way, and which ones will just flat out give me their opinion and advice, and which ones will just tell me what I need to hear, and which ones will tell me what I want to hear. In this situation, I'm talking to all of them. I want to feel justified for my actions and feelings... though I don't know that I will. I suppose in time, with prayer, things will sorth themselves out.

What a weekend....

So, no posts about how I feel just yet... Just an up-to-date
My weekend was nutso kindda post.

Suddengly "Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend" pops into my head... I also realize that if I was working for this last weekend, then I got RIPPED!

Friday night we took off late to the Casablanca household to pick up a trumpet for a student of mine. We got home at about 1am only to discover eldest child had lifted a bottle of medication.
This trip of course followed arguments, and phone calls regarding possible drama... I'm glad to report no drama at the Clasablanca house while we were there.

So Saturday morning at 7am we get up and call J to inform her we're headed back that way because sillyboy has picked up a bottle of medicine that belonged in their household. We took it back, Nixon talked to Bry, and we headed to Charleston for a birthday party.
I absolutely adore the friends who's child's party we were attending, but I felt a little like an outsider Saturday. It's partially my fault I suppose, I didn't do anything to be overly involved this go around... I just was waiting patiently for Saturday to end.

Yesterday I slept most of the day... between church of course.
and it brings me to today....

I'm struggling again today... I think being at work "alone" contributes to that.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Oh my my my....

It seems a lot of people have found my life interesting lately.

I've had so many thougts in my mind today about all of this, I don't even know where to start....
The last 36 hours of my life have involved a lot of tears, and a lot of my students asking

"What's wrong?"

Ok, so given that I'm a bad liar, we all know "oh nothing, I'll be fine" has floated like a brick.

The only thing I even know to do at this point is pray. My heart is aching, and I'm confused.

Apparently I'm not the only one out in the "I'm not so sure this was the right move" realm...
I'm not so sure that everyone realizes that DH isn't a total jerk...
There are two sides to every story, and granted those who have made comments (so far) do know both of us, and do know the recent history with us... have even been around me when I've been around that other person.

My DH is a stay at home dad, to our two wonderful children. He has patience with them that I can't touch... Keep in mind I'm a teacher... Give me 30-100 of someone else's kids great fine, give me mine alone for 6 hours SOMEBODY is not coming back out of that room. It's funny how it works.

Lately, he's been so attentive. Giving me attention, more than I've had in years. Last night at WalMart he went and got something I had been looking for and didn't think of, but he did... a little thing? The little things are what matter aren't they? There's been lots of little things since we have started working so hard... and he's honestly been working at it quite a bit harder than I. Little things like a rose on Valentine's day, ok forget that one how bout that one last semester "just because"... or ... the fact that anytime I ask for anything he is so willing to do it now. When it's hot when I get home from work he makes sure I get a glass of water... he called me at lunch to remind me to take my Benadryl (it is allergy season afterall and I DO NOT want to blow up like a balloon like I did last year when it became allergy season)... he got me my Claritin and Benadryl this morning to make sure I didn't forget... He's starting to take very good care of me again. I told him last night I don't expect him to be perfect, I just expect him to love me and accept me for me. I don't know that he really believes me on the I don't expect him to be perfect or not.. I don't expect him to spend every minute of the day trying to make me happy.
He has made me feel desirable again... he's supported the strange things I've suddenly found myself into... When the heck did I turn back into a girly girl again.... REALLY? a PINK purse, what was I thinking.. but I like it.. it's cute (ugh I just used the word "cute" didn't I) and lacy stuff??? I haven't owned lacy stuff in YEARS! and the whole hair and makeup obsession (I know if you work with me you're like that didn't happen today... please see the Benadryl referral, I did good to wake up and drag myself to work today!)

I do however want to feel as though I can make my own decisions, and know that even if he doesn't agree with me 100% he will back me and support me in what I do... This is the struggle in my inner self these days. How do you trust easily and openly that someone will do exactly what I just asked for? I don't suppose it will come easily, and maybe it will take time... there are wounds that still need a little time to heal.

Today has been a strange day, I've had students who don't normally darken my door come by to check on me.. I've also had my Mp3 player quite handy and listening to a bunch of songs today... Right now it's Dare You to Move The line: Everyone's watching you now... SO totally what my day has felt like. Everyone has been coming by and checking on me... This makes me sad in a way. I hate that I let my home life affect me negatively at work. Some of these kids depend on me for support that they just don't get anywhere else... On the flip side today they all tried to come in and give me that support that I'm always there for them on. One of my majorettes actually was on the verge of tears yesterday because I was upset. It's strange to know that you affect someone's life that much (that isn't related by blood)! Something else I've started trying to deal with is the fact that we're trying so hard to get down to DeWitt closer to my mom and dad... and I'm going to have to say goodbye to these kids... I find myself starting to not talk to some of them so much, to not be quite so open with them, all because I'm again starting to defend myself from getting hurt when I have to say goodbye. I guess I'm just not good with goodbye.

I think pretty much everyone knows I'm looking to move closer to my parents... but I really don't think my students get that the desire to make the move has nothing to do with them... it has everything to do with getting down closer to my parents to help them, and so my kids will know their grandparents... Family has become even more important to me since their birth. I only knew my mom's side, have always been curious about my dad's side (oh that's a whole other post for a whole other time), and now I want my kids to at least know my side. DH's side is older, a lot of them are gone :( There's no chance of the kids every knowing his mom and dad, they've both passed away. I want to give my kids the kind of thing I had growing up.. when they say I want to see Grandma... just be able to say Ok, go. The last week or so my kids have been saying I love my grandma, or I love my grandpa, or I want my grandma, or I want my grandpa a lot and it just breaks my heart that I know they won't see them for at least another two weeks. Funny how much a 5 year old and a 3 year old can teach you about what's really important.

They love openly and completely and unconditionally. Maybe that's why Jesus adored children so, in their innocence they don't know that most people just don't like some people without a really good reason. Yea, my son has developed this "I don't like you, you aren't my friend anymore" when he's upset, or being punished, but he always calms down and hugs and tries to make up with you... Why can't we all be a little more like that? While I'd like to be more Christ like, maybe I should also make the aim of being a little more like my kids... Excited about life, totally forgiving, and loving unconditionally.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Under the Sea...

The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else's lake....

Ironic how the song I've been teaching with my elementary today fits my feelings lately exactly. The only thing I like about my lake right now is that I might be able to find a rock to sleep under for the next three months!

Today a bid a dear dear friend adieu... Why? Part of me wants to say "because it's the right thing to do", because I know at least one reader expects that response... the truth of the matter is... I don't know. It's something my husband asked me to do so "we can be happy".. yea if by in we he means he, then again, just like so much in the past he's got it. Now I know... I said I'm trying to live more like a Christian should, afterall, isn't that the goal of every Christian who is trying to do the "right" thing... which means... I need to forgive past transgressions and move on... Only so many friends lost, it's hard to forget the past, forgive, ok, I can do that, I've done that... It's the forgetting part I'm having trouble coping with. The reason I have so much trouble "giving him up"... maybe because he was there for me when my husband absolutely shut me from his life, maybe because he has been there for me every step of the way the last two years, and has listened to me gripe and moan and groan without trying to compete with my story or not trying to shove some form of advice down my throat. Maybe because he was one of the few who didn't flat out say "Leave him" this past September when I came home to a scene that if I ever see again, I'll simply die. Maybe because he's supported me every step and every decision I've made in my marriage up until even today because "
OK. if that is what it takes to make you have it..........." is a standard answer with anything I ask. Not to mention, we've never crossed physical bounds. Emotional, that's another story... I'm at fault for that though, NOT HIM! I am the one who first said something to lead us down the discussion path of the fact each of us had indeed thougth of what if we had met a different time under different circumstances, say like, oh I weren't married. We've discussed it, we've laughed about it, and we've moved past it. My DH thinks those conversations are the reason he and I shouldn't be friends anymore. I have a problem with it. I've tried to get him to see it, to no avail... maybe I am wrong, maybe I did what I needed to this morning... If I did... why does it feel so wrong?
How am I to show Christ's love to someone (I'm not so sure he's saved) by saying "thanks for the last two years, see ya around"? At this point do my feelings really matter? Probably not so much. It will make my DH more secure for the time being, and for now another little part of me has died.
And it makes me wonder... Who is next? Juju, Nixon? He can just think again if he thinks that's going to happen, I don't even understand what I just did this morning... Why did I actually say goodbye to someone who has never done a bad thing to me to make someone who has hurt me continually happy?
Ok, so he's changed... but still... is what he asked me to do fair? The only thing I've really ever asked him to give up was smoking... HELLO health issues, I wanted him to be around to see his son and daughter grow up... is that so wrong? and it was NEVER about doing it to make me happy or make me feel more secure or any crap like that, ALWAYS about his health. I'm totally convinced he really wouln't do anything to INTENTIONALLY hurt me. Yea, by human nature, I will be hurt by him, I will be hurt by anyone who I trust odds are. You forgive, you forget, you move on. No one is perfect.
DH says if he saw the trouble he was causing in the marriage why didn't he walk away from the friendship... He wasn't the one causing the trouble in the marriage... he was there for me each time I fell, he listened to me, he NEVER tried to make a move ... in his own words he doesn't "have the morals of an alley cat". He's never given me a reason to doubt his sincerity in our friendship, my only doubts have been planted by someone else. His response to my "this can't go on like this" email today.... was quoted above. A friend that wants to see me happy? Before him, juju, and now Nixon.. I hadn't had any of those that hadn't been shut out of my life in YEARS! I've managed to regain a few over the last year, but now I find myself giving one up again...
Wow, this has just gone on and on...

still I think
The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else's lake.